My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
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I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
ouch
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Think I pulled my liver
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Found my door mat
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.