My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

You Might Also Like


[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state?

Cop: Besides that.



GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.


My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.


They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.


When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact