@FullMetalMommy

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

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@david8hughes

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

@pan_opt_icon

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state?

Cop: Besides that.

@Tmoney68

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

@GuyThe_Guy

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

@TheCatWhisprer

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

@Kalarlis

When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact