My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
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I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Finally!
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing