@MaryJustice86

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

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@Darlainky

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

@JohnnyCrash5

[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Me: yesh.
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.

@ClichedOut

Her: Nice horse. Do you race her?

Me: Lol I’m way too fat and slow.

@oxygenplug

“Yo bro this horse is actin a little weird”
“Dude thats my dog get off”
“why is ur horse so small”
“Its a DOG”
Why u pronouncing horse weird

@hippieswordfish

ME: help someone caught my wife in a big net
911: where
M: between 2 trees in our yard
911:a hammock?
M: idk what his name is just send help

@ArfMeasures

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

@LurkAtHomeMom

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

@Cpin42

[Prison Diary Day 5]

Did a perfect cartwheel today and nobody clapped. I hate it here

@HatfieldAnne

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils