My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My typo game is string.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.