I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
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[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.
Her: Nice horse. Do you race her?
Me: Lol I’m way too fat and slow.
“Yo bro this horse is actin a little weird”
“Dude thats my dog get off”
“why is ur horse so small”
“Its a DOG”
Why u pronouncing horse weird
ME: help someone caught my wife in a big net
M: between 2 trees in our yard
M: idk what his name is just send help
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[Prison Diary Day 5]
Did a perfect cartwheel today and nobody clapped. I hate it here
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.