@MommaUnfiltered

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

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@GlennyRodge

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

@Tresca69

You can’t trust anyone you meet online

I went on a date with a guy I met online last week and stole $250 from him

@BGH70

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

@MomOfTeen

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

@spies_please

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

@SteveSuckington

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

@MichaelTrying

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

@Adar79Angie

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

@HatfieldAnne

In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.

@crunchenhanced

If you say “cray cray” I’m going to punch you in the “fay fay”,