My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
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You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.