My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
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I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.