My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

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date: i’m looking for a guy who doesn’t just want me for my body

me: [trying to impress her] well i think your body sucks


Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.


yesterday morning after his soccer game, my 6 year old asked me how come the other team gets to change the color of their jerseys every week, while we always had to wear purple. when i explained that, in fact, we were playing against different teams each week, his mind was blown.


“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*



In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don’t think I can keep watching movies


Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit


My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.


[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.


Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*