Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
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Someone just told me that they hate bacon…
I can’t even find words…
It’s like someone just murdered a rainbow.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Last night I slept for 6 hours straight then 1 hour gay.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”
Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
My mother arrives on Friday, so I have to do three months worth of cleaning in 48 hours. Also, lose 30 pounds and live up to my potential.