@JustBeingEmma

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

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@notviking

date: i’m looking for a guy who doesn’t just want me for my body

me: [trying to impress her] well i think your body sucks

@WilliamAder

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

@DanielGAlarcon

yesterday morning after his soccer game, my 6 year old asked me how come the other team gets to change the color of their jerseys every week, while we always had to wear purple. when i explained that, in fact, we were playing against different teams each week, his mind was blown.

@amydillon

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

@bridger_w

In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don’t think I can keep watching movies

@obijawn

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

@StillOnTheMoors

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

@DurtMcHurtt

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

@thatcarlygirl

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*