@girl_a_whirl

My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.

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@meganamram

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

@EdgarAllanLo

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

@awescar

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

@lurve_meh

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

@Megatronic13

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

@EmilyAnnette6

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

@UnFitz

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

@PleaseBeGneiss

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

?: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

@McClaneJohn2

According to the $53 I just spent on Uber eats, I’m a family of 4.