My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.

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People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..


Kids here’s a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning


I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.


i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”


If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.


Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.


Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school


My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.