I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
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Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man