My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
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Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?