My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
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The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.