My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
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[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Sharon I have some bad news
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes