My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
You Might Also Like
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.