I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
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TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Me: You’re a scientist?
M: You like chemistry?
M: Wanna get in my genes?
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Do you think Lil’ Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said “Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper”?
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Kisses are like real estate ….
Location Location Location