@northernlivng24
I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.
@Darlainky
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
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@northernlivng24
@HansGrubertron
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
@jctwritesstuff
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
@rebrafsim
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
@KalvinMacleod
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
@JermHimselfish
Do you think Lil’ Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said “Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper”?
@TheBoydP
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
@BellPupper
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
@Darlainky
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
@Love_bug1016
Kisses are like real estate ….
Location Location Location