My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

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I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.


TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?



Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
M: Wanna get in my genes?
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?


[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it


911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza


I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest


Do you think Lil’ Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said “Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper”?


Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.


ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?


Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”