@sushimonsterc

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

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@LukeAdams95

Ask your siblings to close your door and they will start telling u how u treated them 3 months ago

@_Bad_Karma

Not all Heroes wear capes.

But HR says I do have to wear pants, which is such bullshit..

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”352111911539716097″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”201″;s:5:”tweet”;s:59:”The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@briangaar

HELLO 911, I NEED TO REPORT A HALO SCORE THAT’S “CRIMINALLY” HIGH LOL!!!! … yes you can talk to my mom

@NewDadNotes

Horse: [slides $20 across the table] I need you to take out the Unicorn.

God: [pocketing money] why?

Horse: because he deserves it.

[later at dinner]

Unicorn: well this is nice.

God: [passing breadsticks] i’m told you deserve it.

@AmberTozer

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

@Brampersandon_

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

@jimmytorosian

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
? All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ?

@Jake_Vig

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

@BubbleNuggets2u

I could’ve sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on…

Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it