@mommy_cusses

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

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@kiralc

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

@Jay1972Jay

My son, who is 10, just explained that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now.

I need a drink.

@KMoFlo_official

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

@ashleyaustrew

Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!

Family: *tries to help*

Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT

@WiseguyPictures

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

@rudy_mustang

God: then u become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yah lol the “rest”

C: how long

G

C:how long God

@MissHavisham

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

@Rollinintheseat

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”