I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
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My son, who is 10, just explained that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now.
I need a drink.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!
Family: *tries to help*
Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
God: then u become a butterfly
Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly
God: yah lol the “rest”
C: how long
C:how long God
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Me: “We’re already talking.”