My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
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I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
also my go-to takeaway order
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.