My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
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*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Running from your problems is cardio .
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
The future is now.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say