My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
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Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”