@sixfootcandy

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

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@3sunzzz

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

@Chloestylo

When someone sneezes, I whisper, “Goes in tight..” It’s actually German for “Bless you”, but it sounds so naughty.

@pixelatedboat

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

@alldrolledup

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

@Book_Krazy

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

@sandjoeman

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.