[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
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When someone sneezes, I whisper, “Goes in tight..” It’s actually German for “Bless you”, but it sounds so naughty.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I came, I saw, the neighbors complained.