My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
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damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I feel this so hard
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair