If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
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Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Hey movie villains – make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[flips table over]
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM?!”
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.