@sixfootcandy

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

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@NoticablyBacon

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

@Try2StopME

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

@angeliav68

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

@flashember

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

@juliussharpe

Hey movie villains – make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

@TheMichaelRock

You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.

@joeldanger

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

@delusions_of

[flips table over]

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM?!”

@AngelaEhh

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.