My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

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[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!


When someone sneezes, I whisper, “Goes in tight..” It’s actually German for “Bless you”, but it sounds so naughty.


“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses


my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair


Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday


People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.