My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
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I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.