My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
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Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Current mood: Potato
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Don’t talk down to me
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.