[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My husband doesn’t like it when I say we are “married” with quotation marks.
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Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Apparently saying ‘exist over there’ while pointing is not the best way to greet people in the mornings.
Computer: shutting down
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
I have no beef with vegetarians.
Based on my Netflix recommendations I’m either a serial killer or chef