@Nicoleroxxu

My husband doesn’t like it when I say we are “married” with quotation marks.

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@OctopusCaveman

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

@Adyaces

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

@UncleDuke1969

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

@BraandoCommando

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

@_LittleMsBossy_

Apparently saying ‘exist over there’ while pointing is not the best way to greet people in the mornings.

@yenniwhite

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

@brittwastaken

Based on my Netflix recommendations I’m either a serial killer or chef