McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
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Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.