My husband doesn’t like it when I say we are “married” with quotation marks.

You Might Also Like


[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.


Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?


Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….


(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*


Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?


Apparently saying ‘exist over there’ while pointing is not the best way to greet people in the mornings.


Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.



Based on my Netflix recommendations I’m either a serial killer or chef