My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
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caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I like donuts.
Twitter:
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*