My husband emptied the dishwasher this morning. What does he want from me?

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My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.


DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?


*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee


Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.


Looking for someone to do the heavy lifting when I need a body buried…

~ No weirdos


A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.


Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?


*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.


me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t


Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.