rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
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Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.