@AndLookPretty

My husband emptied the dishwasher this morning. What does he want from me?

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@TheNYAMProject

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

@TheresNoGodzila

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

@ch000ch

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

@PoliceBadBoy

Looking for someone to do the heavy lifting when I need a body buried…

~ No weirdos

@WheelTod

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

@KentWGraham

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

@murrman5

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

@realbjdunne

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

@Social_Mime

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.