Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
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Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I really had high hopes for this year though
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
The Onion called it…again.