my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
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Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.