My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
You Might Also Like
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home