@JustBeingEmma

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

You Might Also Like

@CanadianCyn

This pill bottle says ‘Take with plenty of fluids’ and ‘Don’t take with alcohol’.

That doesn’t even make sense.

@Nips_00

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

@markleggett

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.

@LuvPug

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

@WheelTod

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

@kfoagkfoag

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

@chuuew

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

@TheBeerGuy73

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

@GermanFreckles

No, cough syrup, you’re not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.