My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

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This pill bottle says ‘Take with plenty of fluids’ and ‘Don’t take with alcohol’.

That doesn’t even make sense.


I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards


People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.


It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.


When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.



ME: What do we want?!


ME: When do we–oh


ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test


The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.


No, cough syrup, you’re not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.