My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
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“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear