@mommajessiec

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

You Might Also Like

@iIIustrous

NOOO my little brother had his christening today and the reception place confused his name with my weeb sisters gmail name and IM GONNA CRY

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

@JustDontBugMe

[During an ultrasound scan]

Doctor:The baby looks fine.

Mom:See? that’s your baby sister in there!

3:What??Mom, why did you eat the baby?

@AristotlesNZ

I don’t know how you women do it. Every time I try to “sleep my way to the top” I get woken up and sent to HR.

@DrakeGatsby

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

@feasibleweasel

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

@ThisOneSayz

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.