No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
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NOOO my little brother had his christening today and the reception place confused his name with my weeb sisters gmail name and IM GONNA CRY
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
[During an ultrasound scan]
Doctor:The baby looks fine.
Mom:See? that’s your baby sister in there!
3:What??Mom, why did you eat the baby?
I don’t know how you women do it. Every time I try to “sleep my way to the top” I get woken up and sent to HR.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.