My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
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My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team