My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
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Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Check out the legs on this baby
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving