Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
You Might Also Like
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.