My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
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in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”