@AnniemuMary

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

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@rickygervais

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

@ThugRaccoons

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

@bornmiserable

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

@4SLars

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

@dksc4life

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

@KalvinMacleod

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

@tobyherman27

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

@Shade510

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.