My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
You Might Also Like
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
paddle faster i hear baby shark
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.