My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
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Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt