@RumAndReeses

My husband grew a beard and suddenly I’m having to karate chop every woman we pass.

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@ipalatsky

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

@3sunzzz

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

@SkinnerSteven

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

@mikeleffingwell

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

@ArfMeasures

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

@juliussharpe

I bet “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

@80sjams

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.