microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
You Might Also Like
I only say stupid things when I talk.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
😅🤣😂
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I’d … I’d rather not.