I bet Fred Flintstone wishes he had a Fitbit.
My husband grew a beard and suddenly I’m having to karate chop every woman we pass.
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Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I bet “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.