@shita3yosays

My husband has a sore throat…send an ambulance

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@MarkAgee

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

@weinerdog4life

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

@iAmJuddy

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

@dumbbeezie

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

@ChaseMit

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

@TheBoydP

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

@UncleDuke1969

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

@CaniacMONK

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult.

So yeah….kids are stupid.

@thedad

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died