All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
My husband has a sore throat…send an ambulance
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Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult.
So yeah….kids are stupid.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died