My husband has a sore throat…send an ambulance

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All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit


Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond


Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.


Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad


“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.


Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.


“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”


When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult.

So yeah….kids are stupid.


Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died