My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
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Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
describing stardew valley
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok