@sixfootcandy

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

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@junejuly12

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

@TheBoydP

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

@blaudiablogan

Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.

@KeetPotato

therapist: “remember there are no stupid questions”
wife: “okay”
therapist: “keith you start”
me: “do sharks ever need to have a bath?”

@jwoodham

Quidditch is my kind of sport. You don’t have to run, you get to sit the whole time, and if things aren’t going well you can just fly home.

@GoldenSpirals

He told me I was the “bee’s knees”.
I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur’s femur.
Who doesn’t love Zoboomafoo?

@TweetPotato314

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess