My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

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No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.


If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?


Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.


therapist: “remember there are no stupid questions”
wife: “okay”
therapist: “keith you start”
me: “do sharks ever need to have a bath?”


Quidditch is my kind of sport. You don’t have to run, you get to sit the whole time, and if things aren’t going well you can just fly home.


He told me I was the “bee’s knees”.
I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur’s femur.
Who doesn’t love Zoboomafoo?


Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess