My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
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Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
the greatest twitter interaction
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
it be like that
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.