My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
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[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
#dnd #ttrpg
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.