all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂