@jellybnbonanza

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

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@WilliamAder

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

@kwirkyKerri

Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.

@timdonakowski

I wish someone would challenge me so I could help raise awareness for ice buckets.

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

@DomesticGoddss

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

@Ndeshi_M

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

@abbycohenwl

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

@meganamram

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

@_RobertSchultz

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.