My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
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“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
No. He’s not coming out to play
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.