@sixfootcandy

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

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@Ms_WhateverV

“You can’t tell me what to do! I do what I want!”- toddlers, teenagers and US congress

@PatsATweetin

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

@Hector_Srsly

#WhenIWasYourAge getting pictures were at least a one hour ordeal that involved other people and a lab

@mrjohndarby

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

@secondhand_cake

Just found a $5 bill in the dryer.
-Adds money laundering to criminal resume.

@david8hughes

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

@crushingbort

They put babies on packages of toilet paper because that’s what we used to wipe with before scientists discovered they grow up into people

@OfficeofSteve

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies