“You can’t tell me what to do! I do what I want!”- toddlers, teenagers and US congress
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
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To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
#WhenIWasYourAge getting pictures were at least a one hour ordeal that involved other people and a lab
This bar smells like my childhood.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Just found a $5 bill in the dryer.
-Adds money laundering to criminal resume.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
They put babies on packages of toilet paper because that’s what we used to wipe with before scientists discovered they grow up into people
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies