My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
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Getting married soon just need a spouse
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.