My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
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can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Sooo many times…..
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.