@Parkerlawyer

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

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@TweetPotato314

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

@robin_991

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

@longwall26

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

@Northside_Mike

Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets.

@EndhooS

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

@AndyAsAdjective

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

@Cpin42

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

@SpacePlankton

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

@AndyAsAdjective

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?