Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
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The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?
DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]