My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
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My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*