Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
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Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Put a ring on it
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.