@3sunzzz

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

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@NoogsCorner

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

@Gupton68

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

@metickleu

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

@GingerHotDish

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

@davepell

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

@JohnLyonTweets

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

@1evilidiot

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

@KateWhineHall

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

@longwall26

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

@HiddleDeeDee

I accidentally flushed a public toilet with my hand instead of my foot. I may be dying now.