@3sunzzz

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

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@LuvPug

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

@WilliamAder

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

@AndrewNadeau0

Hats were invented in 1784 when a Canadian was too polite to ask a raccoon to get off his head.

@Mom_Overboard

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

@captainolya

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

@Papa_Mex

Me? Yes, of course I have feelings! Last Sunday, for example, I dropped a piece of bacon on the floor. I just stared and cried for 18 mins

@eleanormtweets

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

@maymay72x

Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money’s worth…

Just saying.

@TheSwanDon

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

@dave_cactus

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.