My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
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I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?