My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

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I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron


The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.


Hats were invented in 1784 when a Canadian was too polite to ask a raccoon to get off his head.


Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell


the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes


Me? Yes, of course I have feelings! Last Sunday, for example, I dropped a piece of bacon on the floor. I just stared and cried for 18 mins


Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”


Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money’s worth…

Just saying.


So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”


*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.