My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Bringing home a sharpie
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.