@bylinetd

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

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@drayzze

Whew! I almost hit a deer today.

But I managed to calm down and got back in the car before things escalated.

@ellewasamistake

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

@3sunzzz

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

@asaltiercorpse

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

@geowizzacist

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

@smilely_gal

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

@BrassBallsCJ

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

@bottlerocket

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

@Dave_Philips

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

@GrantTanaka

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions