@AnitaHelmet

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

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@DainWins

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

@_steamy_mac

When you take up carpentry but hate birds so you have lots of birdhouses with tiny little, “No Vacancy,” signs.

@skittle624

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

@MandiAtRandom

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

@Sheila_Mac420

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

@ibid78

Kill me once, shame on me. Kill me twice, shaman you.

@OllyiConic

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

@sara_ashlynn

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

@TheBoydP

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

@lwhit_the_boss

My signature move at parties is flirting with a cute guy for half an hour before realizing he’s actually a bag of Cheetos