My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

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[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]


When you take up carpentry but hate birds so you have lots of birdhouses with tiny little, “No Vacancy,” signs.


Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.


Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there


I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.


Kill me once, shame on me. Kill me twice, shaman you.


waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats


My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.


The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.


My signature move at parties is flirting with a cute guy for half an hour before realizing he’s actually a bag of Cheetos