My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
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english majors be like furthermore
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.