My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
You Might Also Like
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.