Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

How your email finds me

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?